A Selection of Work I Submitted to McSweeney’s Before I Realized It Is All Written By Bots

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9/23/19

People Who Can Steal From You At Any Time

1. Locksmith
2. Garage door person
3. Window guy
4. Carpenter

10/1/19

An homage to this piece: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers

It’s Jewish Lord Season, Motherfuckers

Off from school? You know it, assholes! I’m going to be in temple or synagogue, depending on which sect I’m in. Of what? Judaism, obviously! What’s the season? It’s high holiday season, and multiple holidays will be in progress. High holiday season is the shit. High holiday season is lit. I’m going to be inscribed in the book of life, motherfuckers!

Which holidays? You fuckers know all about Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. You’ll all be ringing in the new year at sundown and saying your sorries, assholes, to all your asshole friends and family members. Not Jewish? No problem! Just convert and then you can say you’re sorry too. Then you can also eat some apples and honey, dickwads! I’m going to snort some honey too, after I squeeze a line onto an heirloom family plate! Apples and honey for all the Jews! Then you don’t eat anything at all! Brilliant!

I’m going to be inscribed in the book of life, like WHOA. God’s going to take his pen and write that shit down, like desperately like in Memento. Gotta find a pen, gotta find a pen! He’s going to take a quick polaroid of me, SNAP, and write in a felt-tip pen, “You can trust her. Inscribe her in the book of life.” Trusted? By God? You know it, heathens! He’s going to include me in His plans now and tell me pertinent information. He’s going to have that shit in his pocket. He’s going to whip it out for reference. He doesn’t even have to remember that shit. He wrote it down!

Ready for some introspection, assfarts? Ready for some prayer? Ready to hear the shofar? You know it! It’s the season! I’m going to wave hi to you in the parking lot! I’m going to stand when it’s standing time, and sit when it’s seated time! I’m going to negotiate the waves of people when they pull back the otherwise year-round room dividers they describe in Garden State. I might even watch Garden State to just get into the mood. I’m all about the high holiday season, I hold that shit on high!

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister! That’s not what she said! Who, the rabbi? Your mom didn’t! Obviously I’m sorry. It’s never, “sorry, not sorry,” losers! I’m sorry like the board game. I’m sorry like it’s Chicago or AZ Yet, but it’s never hard to say you’re sorry when it’s the high holiday season. It’s smooth like honey. I love saying I’m sorry! It feels like the first time, every time! 

Now, turds, I’m going to get my tuchus to temple or synagogue like it’s about to get spanked. I’m going to put on my shiny patent leather flat mary janes, my black cardigan, and something modest in between, and go to non-slutty temple or synagogue to repent and make peace with God, assholes! See you in school after I wipe my moral slate clean for another year!

Shanah Tovah, motherfuckers!

10/1/19

5 Rules Of Dealing With Spiders

  1. Walk around a spider web! Don’t destroy it, it makes the spider angry! The longest route a person has taken to avoid a spider web is 98 feet. Just leave for places early now.
  2. If you have to walk through a spider web, don’t do it preemptively. Do it at the exact moment you absolutely need to. You’re making a spider homeless! Give them ‘til the end of the month!
  3. When destroying a spider web because it is absolutely necessary, neatly pick away the corners. Don’t karate chop it! Show the spider respect for its home and sever it neatly and in an organized way, not with dynamite.
  4. If you see a spider in your house, and you feel the need to kill it, say, “Sorry!” afterwards.
  5. If you see a spider in your house, and let it live, you may feel like God for 18 seconds.

2/21/20

What You Learn In Horticulture Therapy

  1. I’ll always outlive my plants like when my children died
  2. Plants can drown just like my friend from summer camp
  3. Roses are pricks
  4. I am a pansy
  5. The morning glories never go to seed
  6. I’ll never cut my own hair
  7. Deer ruin everything
  8. It’s really competitive to get a horticultural therapist job
  9. Funding miracles do happen for them if not for me
  10. Men are stronger than women

3/4/20

Emo Plants

  1. Sedum ‘Postman’s Pride’
  2. Petunia ‘Black Ray’
  3. Aquilegia vulgaris var. stellata ‘Black Barlow’
  4. Ophiopogon planiscapus ‘Nigrescens’
  5. Helleborus ‘Dark and Handsome’
  6. Heuchera ‘Blackout’
  7. Ajuga ‘Black Scallop’
  8. Sambucus ‘Black Negligee’
  9. Iris ‘Old Black Magic’
  10. Salix babylonica

3/6/20

Lawn Alternatives

  1. Adult swingset only
  2. Living willow igloo
  3. Extra parking spots
  4. Cottage for the kids when they grow up
  5. Storage
  6. Side hustle business
  7. Bar you can walk home from
  8. Garden buffet for animals to eat
  9. Dog run
  10. Tick oasis

3/6/20

Less Absurd Diets

  1. Oat feedbag
  2. Only bread
  3. Must be milk and meat in every bite
  4. Non-intermittent fasting
  5. Football player commercial inspired only canned soup diet
  6. Jerry Seinfeld cereal only diet
  7. Food my coworkers are throwing out
  8. Only eating the animals you think are the cutest
  9. No milks that came from an animal’s you-know-whats
  10. Only non finger food actually because you’re using a device

2020

What Your Purse Says About You

Baguette: Likes baguettes
Barrel: Likes barrels
Bowling bag purse: Likes bowling
Bucket bag: Likes buckets
Clutch: Likes clutching things
Doctor’s bag: Is a doctor
Drawstring: Likes drawstrings
Half-moon: Likes half-moons
Hobo: Is a hobo
Messenger bag: Is a messenger
Muff: Likes Muffy from Arthur
Pocketbook: Likes pockets
Saddle purse: Horsegirl
Tote: Totally awesome!

Shoutouts to their editor, Christopher Monks


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