I now qualify for Social Security Disability Insurance for what I consider to be Faceblindness (Prosopognosia) (I have been diagnosed by a neurologist). From now forward, parties hiring me will be eligible to receive 25%-40% of my salary back from the government (depending on whether I am part-time or full-time).
A Selection of Work I Submitted to McSweeney’s Before I Realized It Is All Written By Bots
4th Book
Due to Coronavirus…
…I will be temporarily suspending all comics, books, articles, songs, blogging, stand-up comedy, invention ideas, sorority-founding, t-shirt making, We Live In Bergen County posting, Guinness Book Of World Records activities, and will cease all indoor and outdoor gardening and will keep my camera safely in a drawer.
…Just kidding!
The First Time I’ve Had A Gardening Writing Piece Published
Gardening Song I Wrote — 50 Deer Proof and Groundhog Proof Plants (Full song completed)
To the tune of Rise and Shine
A……………………D
So you’ve got this great piece of land
A………………………..D
And you know all your plant palette at hand
A………………D
Pen and paper is really grand
A…………………………………E……………….A
And looking up things on my cellphone isn’t banned
But then you look up and what should appear
A friendly groundhog and two thousand deer
What will they eat in the landscape this year
It’s time to get into gear so we don’t tear
Even if they eat almost everything I can still make art
Composition and design are so close to my heart
From looking at this design you’ll never want to part
I can’t wait to start this song is so smart
I’m going to spend a lot of time on the next part of the song, which will be a list of deer proof and groundhog proof plants, like the U.S. presidents song, or the U.S. states song
My goal is to look up varieties of the following plants, and rhyme the lines together with the plants in alphabetical order with also some fun attributes included. Feel free to send me suggestions for a second 50 plants!
Continue reading “Gardening Song I Wrote — 50 Deer Proof and Groundhog Proof Plants (Full song completed)”Stand-up comedy sample
“I think my approach to being a comedienne so far is finding material without anything having to do with people, especially people I know”
Some of my influences include my former Bard College classmates Olde English, and my former NYC roommates The Bible Players
Invention Ideas
- Nail polish bottle whose brush can reach all areas/corners/bottom of the bottle
- Nail polish remover with a sturdy based bottom so it doesn’t tip over
- Lightweight cookware like metal trays, etc.
- Rosemary gum
- Green tinted glasses to make the lawn look greener
- Colored grass mixes: blue, yellow, black, red, green and white variegated, yellow and white variegated
- Hot spicy milkshake or tapioca type beverage
- Computer game series about Israel
- Herbed water
- Easy to clean stove top
- Instant oatmeal with nuts and dried fruit on the side
- Kale Girl Scout cookies
- Standup doll
- Forsythia colored nail polish and other plant colors
Founder of Pin-up Girls, a poster-making club that prints out posters to promote ourselves to get more members to print out more posters to promote ourselves
Facebook posts for We Live In Bergen County ~30,000 members
Millions of trees were watered, thousands of trees were saved, thousands of people participated. All the trees that were watered still look more turgid than the ones that weren’t, in 2/20